Too many silences undermine daily privacy. But to say too much too… Can we learn to speak the same language? Focus on the art and the way of really communicating for two.
Summary
Why is it difficult
The subtle art of discussion
An example
Misunderstanding
Why it matters
The unspoken
How to do
Make an appointment to discuss
Why is it difficult
“If they want to deepen their reciprocal knowledge and their intimacy, it is obvious that the partners must communicate”, affirms the psychologist and sexologist Yvon Dallaire, like all the specialists of the couple. But he adds: “The paradox is that the more we deepen thoughts and emotions by communicating them, the more we also increase for each one the probabilities of incomprehension, of interpretation and… of disappointment:” I would never have believed that you could think such a thing, I don’t recognize you anymore. And if I don’t recognize you anymore, if you’re not who I thought you were anymore, how can I continue to love you? ””
The subtle art of discussion
For Yvon Dallaire, discussion as a couple is therefore a subtle art. It is not enough to master the so-called rules of healthy communication (talking about how you feel about the behavior of the other rather than criticizing him, using the “I” rather than the “you”, etc.). Why ? Because what works in a professional or educational framework is, in romantic exchanges, parasitized by the dominant emotional charge. Caught in the relationship, the partners do not have the necessary distance that would allow them, unlike a therapist, to receive all the other’s words without judging them and without making them feel guilty.
An example
Thus, Virginie, 31, can say in vain, as a good connoisseur of the rules of communication: “I am not happy at the moment in this relationship”, her friend will never hear anything other than: “You do not make me happy. . Conversely, there are evenings when this one, also in his thirties, would gladly do without Virginie’s existential reflections, even if he knows how essential it is to be attentive …
Misunderstanding
The risk of misunderstanding between partners is all the more true since, as Yvon Dallaire underlines, “there is a different way of communicating according to the gender to which one belongs”, and, more generally, according to one’s personality and education. Imposing one’s own communication within the couple amounts to overestimating or minimizing the other’s needs in this matter.
Why it matters
Should we therefore favor silence in order to live a lasting relationship? Certainly not. Communicating is sharing, and sharing is precisely one of the couple’s reasons for being. “Speech is a space for exchange, for life, where partners come together to get to know each other better and recognize each other as a couple”, explains psychologist and psychotherapist Patrick Estrade. According to him, speaking has an undeniable power of reassurance: “If I speak to you, I reassure you since I prove to you that you exist in my eyes. ”
The unspoken
As for those who think that “when we love each other, we don’t need words to understand each other”, “these are, according to the sexologist Catherine Solano, those who end up landing in our offices, because by dint of unspoken words, they let each other’s frustrations and dissatisfactions undermine their relationship ”.
How to do
Don’t say it all. To communicate well, we must first accept the limits of this communication. “Communicating etymologically means exchanging information, and not pooling emotions, experiences or thoughts,” recalls psychologist and sexologist Yvon Dallaire. The waves of words, even if they do not drain reproaches, invade the space of the other. Vampirizers, they also have the effect of removing any mystery, source of desire. The key is therefore not so much the ability to say everything and hear everything, but the conviction that we could say everything to each other. A fundamental nuance since it suggests a bond based on trust.
Make an appointment to discuss
The one-on-one is an opportunity to approach with more hindsight certain difficulties or frustrations which, referred to “hot”, would risk aggravating an argument. But not only, because if there is one word that deserves to be exchanged without moderation within the couple, it is the one which notes the happiness of being together and the good things accomplished together. Often neglected over time, positive speech remains an excellent engine for happy couples.